What Would Joe Do?
We are all faced with dilemas in our lives. Whether we are experiencing a true ethical crisis, or merely the routine trials and triblations of everyday life, we all need a helping hand at one time or another. When things are looking bleak, life is at its darkest and you have nowhere to turn, stop and say these four powerful words: WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
When faced with the possibility that reality is not passive interpretation, but rather an ever evolving construct of the mind.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
He'd take up residence in New York, specifically Brooklyn.
Tom Hanks is in for Forest Gump II and so is Robert Zemeckis, as the studio head.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Green light. Don't give us any of that sanctimonious crap either, it'd make a fortune.
You own Conneticut Avenue and Vetnor Avenue. Your opponent lands on Oriental Avenue threating to break up a potential monopoly for yourself.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
At first say nothing, act casual. You do not want your opponent to know just how desperate you are for this property. If you are capable, try to yawn. DO NOT say, "I feel very calm and casual." People who are truly relaxed never make a point of stating it. After a few seconds of this, off-handedly remark how Oriental Avenue isn't the thriving community it once used to be. How it's once vibrant and verdant downtown core of charming shops has given away to a concrete jungle of perversion and drugs. How the municipal pool has closed, barb wire encircling its perimeter, after a particularly virulent and determined strain of algae developped within its waters a few summers back and hardened into an impenetrable mass. When you notice your opponent start to waiver, go for the throat. "Plus," you add, "It's not called Oriental Avenue for nothing." Checkmate.
Dressed in full Jedi Knight regalia, including Obi-Wan Kenobi robe and official Darth Sidious Episode III prop replica Lightsaber, and having been in line in front of the movie theater for well over a week, you have finally reached the ticket counter.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Joe would ask for a ticket to see "Monster In Law".
You and your wife have recently adopted a 10-month old girl from Latvia. However, the child cries incessantly day and night, and regularly soils herself.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Return the defective child along with your receipt of purchase (ALWAYS KEEP THE RECEIPT!!) to the orphanage and exchange her for another infant of equal or lesser value. It is not uncommon to experience problems when obtaining offspring second hand.
You host a successful soiree for Denver's gentility. The brie-stuffed moules could have turned out better, but unfortunately one cannot afford to sack the help every time an entree fails to make the grade (Like darling Richard says, "We are rich, not _wealthy_!"). After your guests have safely made off in their personal luxury automobiles, with the exception of Louis & Margaret who still insists on driving that hideous hydrogen hybrid of theirs, you retire to the powder room only to discover that the monogrammed hand towels have gone missing!
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
With the help of a stylograph and some leaves of onion-skin, compose a list of your servants, last name first, first name last, to check if any of their initials match those of the departed towels. Otherwise, just accuse the serf with the most melanin in his or her skin.
You are at a bar chatting up someone you want to love up some. Everything seems to be going well until they say that they love Carson Daly and will only go home with someone that supports them for host of Late Night.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Joe would throw his drink in their face and tell them that they'll have another chance with him when they grow up. And plus, he's married!
Reverb or Distortion?
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Reverb all the way up.
You are caught in a rainstorm, but you brought your umbrella. You spy an elderly woman covering herself with a newspaper.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
The elderly should know that they should be prepared, so Joe would just shake his head and cluck his tongue. If the woman is walking in the same direction, he would take care to make sure his umbrella didn't drip on her head.
Fox is showing the season finale of “American Idol” at the same time that ABC is showing the season finale of “Lost.”
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Joe would do laundry.
You go to a record fair and see someone selling an original pressing of Ananda Shankar's best album, the one with his cover of "Jumpin' Jack Flash" for $10 in good shape.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
This presents an ethical dilemma, since you know it's worth a lot more than that. Joe would buy that record for $10 and go-go dance at home in peace, knowing that the dealer he bought it from is probably going to gouge some poor sap on another record, so he's justified in getting it for such a great price.
You have five dollars. Your cats are out of food, but you have a really strong feeling about some numbers to play on the lottery so you will win thousands if not millions.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Joe would buy his cats their food and get his co-worker to clock you in early or late to get some overtime.
If it was a certainty that graduation day was going to be a scorcher.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
He'd skip the clothes under the robe.
Your party has been decimated by an ogre attack. The Cleric, Paladin and Elf Fighter are dead. Only the Dwarf and your 4th level Thief remain, and you're both low on hit points. From out of nowhere, a band of Orcs attacks!
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
Joe would use his Thief's Cloak of Invisibility to hide from the Orcs and let the Dwarf fend for himself.
You own a copy of Fantastic Four #1, which is signed by Jack Kirby. You catch a sibling handling it out of its mylar sleeve/non acidic cardboard protective combination. The sibling appears to actually be reading the comic.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
There is precedent for Joe's response. As a impetuous young man he was guilty of this very crime, and in a karmic nightmare, has recently endured the fondling of his X-Men #137. He was understanding.
Your favorite t-shirt is stolen off the clothsline.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
A t-shirt is a possession, and a special one can have great personal significance, but it is after all a t-shirt and how many great years did that Iggy Pop "Raw Power" have left in it anyway?
Your local music franchise is selling tickets to hear Frank Black live for $35 a pop. You really want to go to the show, but had been saving the cash to pay off an overdue electricity bill.
WHAT WOULD JOE DO?
The first thing Joe would do is pity you for hesitating, this being such a ZERO BRAINER* and all. Then, after he is through lamenting your inability to make any sort of decision on your own, Joe would buy the tickets.
* (C) Copyright Joe Garden 2005
