FAQ
With Joe, when you ask questions, you get answers.
Q: Could you give me a synopsis of the movie Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?
A: I think it's about Ted Kennedy.
Q: Hey, Abbott… did you see the eyes on that painting just move?
A: Don't be silly, Lou. It's just your imagination.
Q: Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?
A: I have no idea.
Q: Could Joe beat Serena Williams in tennis?
A: Yes, his aggressive serve-and-volley game (praised by Mr. Stefan Edberg himself) coupled with an extensive repertoire of "your brother Venus" jokes
should do the trick.
Q: Is it true that when appearing on the Bozo Show's "Grand Prize Game" and missing Bucket Number Six with the ping pong ball a then 9 year old
Joe Garden exclaimed "Shit" at top volume and followed it up with "Stick it clown" after being admonished by Bozo and Frasier Thomas?
A: Yes, where'd you hear that?
Q: I’ve heard people refer to Joe as the Lenny Bruce of breakfast cereals. Is this true?
A: Yes. Without Joe, there would never have been a Cookie Crisp.
Q: What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?
A: Man (infant crawls on all four in the morning like the dog he is, adult prepares traditional Hungarian dish of stuffed cabbage with meat and potatoes (blanched, sliced lengthwise, then salted generously) in the afternoon, oil portrait of an elderly woman rests on a painter’s easel in the evening.
Q: Joe has made mention of his past in advertising. Anything we would recognize?
A: During his short but prolific stint as a slogan-writer, Joe is best known for intelligent, winsome jingles like, "The Black & Decker Leaf Blower King: Because Isn’t It Time You Turned Over 300 New Leafs?" and "Extra Strength Tylenol: Imagine A World Where Everyone Shut Their Fat Goddamn Traps For A Change."
Q: Does Joe play guitar?
A: Yes, but he only solos, that's it.
Q: If Joe's in the kitchen what's going on?
A: A most delicious thing.
Q: Where are my keys?
A: Go to wherearemykeys.com to get all the information you need on key location and hot teens.
Q: Is the house in Amityville really haunted?
A: Of course, otherwise Dimension Films wouldn't have made such a thrilling remake about it. The Amityville Horror… in theaters now.
Q: Can I get a ride?
A: Um, I guess. How far are you going?
Q: Will Joe Garden address my Chamber of Commerce?
A: Joe's live appearances have been known to boost sales efficiency by 70% and are an inspiration to all, no matter what the profession. His rates are reasonable and affordable. Contact the Greater Talent Network for more information.
Q: Is sour cream extra?
A: Always.
Q: Where does Joe buy his clothes?
A: Joe doesn't buy clothes as much as obtains them.
Q: What's in a name?
A: That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Q: Why do I have so many shoes? I have an entire closet full of shoes. I have work shoes, church shoes and slippers. When I'm feeling lazy I have loafers. I also have tennis shoes, even though I've never played tennis. Do I really need this many pairs of shoes?
A: Ladies and gentlemen… Andy Rooney.
Q: I missed The O.C. last week. What happened?
A: Marissa threw a birthday party for Trey at Caleb's mansion, hoping to help the two forge a relationship; Summer discovered Reed's true identity, leaving Seth in hot water.
Q: What will the weather be like?
A: Tomorrow expect partly sunny skies with a high of 60 degrees and a wind from the south-southwest at 7 to 10 MPH. Our current temperature is 58. We have some classic Zeppelin on the way next.
Q: How old is Joe in dog years?
A: You insensitive jerk, a dog killed Joe’s mother.
Q: Will Joe endorse my product?
A: Joe is an avid student of the Paul Harvey school of broadcast shilling, and will not only endorse your product, he’ll make it seem like it’s part of the news. For, of course, a nominal fee.
Q: I think he’s kind of cute. Is Joe single?
A: Yes, provided this fact makes him more appealing to your viewing habits, but not if it actually comes to making out with him or anything.
Q: What does Joe think of comedians who work blue?
A: Joe thinks comedians who work blue deserve to get skull-fudged.
Q: Is it true that once every hundred years, the constellations Ursa Major and Cassiopia align in such a way that an uncanny representation of Joe Garden’s face is pasted across the heavens?
A: Yes.
Q: How would you grade this copy of Dazzler #1?
A: Huh. Spine looks good. No creases or tears. Signed by Jim Shooter. Nice! Oh, you drew Tippy, though. Or is that the pirate? See, you’re not supposed to do that in the actual comic book. Use a separate piece of paper. I was going to say near mint, but I’m downgrading it to good. I’ll give you 15 cents for it.
Q: Where does Joe live?
A: Deep down inside every Christian man, woman and child, in a rent-stabilized apartment with his wife and their cat.
Q: Is there an easy way for me to look up a question in order to find specific information in this FAQ?
A: Absolutely. For specific pointers on conducting searches on this page, please see our FAQ FAQ.
Q: I can’t seem to find an exciting cheese snack for my family. Joe, do you have any suggestions?
A: I recommend Cheetoe’s brand cheese puffs. Crunchy or puffed, they’re loaded with real cheddar cheese flavor.
Q: Is it true that while giving his inaugural address, Joe refused to wear a hat in sub-zero temperatures, contributing to his falling ill and dying after only 30 days in office?
A: No, you’re thinking of William Henry Harrison.
Q: What’s that?
A: Actor-Producer, Anthony Michael Hall.
Q: I have both purchased and sold shares in a money-market mutual fund. The fund is managed so the share price is constant. All gain is reported as dividends. Do I have to report the sale of these shares?
A: Yes, you report the sale of your shares on Form 1040, Schedule D, Capital Gains and Losses. Generally, whenever you sell, exchange, or otherwise dispose of a capital asset, you report it on Schedule D. If the share price were constant, you would have neither a gain nor a loss when you sell shares because you are selling the shares for the same price you purchased them. If you actually owned shares that were later sold, the fund or the broker should have issued a Form 1099-B. There is no requirement with that form that there be gain or loss on the sale, only a sale or exchange of an investment asset and sales proceeds.
Q: What is Joe’s all-time favorite episode of Life with Lucy, the 1986 ABC sitcom starting a 75-year-old Lucile Ball and Gale Gordon?
A: The one where Lucy hires a goose to guard the hardware store against burglars.
Q: Who does Joe admire?
A: That old paraplegic woman outside subway station who accuses passersby of strutting.
Q: What is Supermarionation?
A: Supermarionation is a puppetry technique involving marionettes with extremely fine wires, electronics controlling certain aspects of the puppets'movements, and voice boxes inside their heads (and later, in their chests) that synchronized the mouth movements with the vocal tracks. It is completely different from the puppetry technique used in TERRAHAWKS called Supermacromation, a Muppet-style puppetry technique, and the stop-action animation of plastic puppets in DICK SPANNER, P.I. The Supermarionation marionettes were made primarily of wood and leather and the wires were fine tungsten; as the marionettes improved over time, features got more lifelike and more properly proportioned, while glass eyes constructed by oculists were added starting with THUNDERBIRDS for increased realism. Each marionette was between 20 and 24 inches tall; starting with STINGRAY, the marionettes often had multiple heads in order to give the impression of changing expressions (usually called the "serious face" and "smiling face") and multiple hands to be exchanged when different hand positions and gloves were needed (gloves were often merely painted hands). Items like caps, helmets, and other headgear had wires threaded through them and were slid up the wires out of the way when not needed. Supermarionation was first developed for SUPERCAR (though electronic lip synch and steel wire were used in FOUR FEATHER FALLS) and used for every Anderson puppet production through THE INVESTIGATOR. The technique was revamped between THUNDERBIRDS and CAPTAIN SCARLET.
Q: How bad could it possibly be?
A: Christ, have you looked out the window lately? The friggin’ air is on fire!
